This morning I find myself in an odd position - I have time on my hands and I am not sure what to do.
I am not a person who thrives on being busy. I do not love to brag about my full schedule. Yet, my schedule is full. Lately, it has been overflowing. Between the four kids and all their activities, homeschooling, and a spate of singing jobs (for which I am very grateful), I have been running at break-neck speed for a few months now. Well, probably since August, when school began.
Yet, here, in the middle of May, the end is in sight. Already youth group (all three older boys) and soccer (Romeo) have ended. Just one more pottery class for Romeo. Dance and Scouts continue, but that is almost nothing compared to the full-blown schedule of three active teens (Romeo is just 12, but he is bigger than me, so I lump him in there with his brothers). School is limping along. Romeo has a few things to finish up, CookieBoy is almost completely done, and The Young Adult will be mostly done by Memorial Day. The Monkey and I work together most mornings, but it is still pretty brief.
Going from 100 mph to 10 mph (well, maybe 40 mph) feels like a jolt. As much as I long for the lazy days of summer, there is always an adjustment period.
The guilt of not being busy is intense. How much do I need to say, "I hardly had time to breathe today" in order to feel productive? As much as I hate being busy, busy-ness becomes so addicting. In my mind, it becomes warped to:
busy-ness = worth.
It is a love-hate thing.
My mind knows the reality. The busier I am, the less time I have to think, contemplate, read, meditate, absorb - just be. These things are important. But when I look up from my reading or thinking and see the dirty kitchen floor or the laundry sitting in the washer that is starting to smell, I feel guilt.
So this morning, I found myself wandering around the house after my initial morning chores and work. CookieBoy had already finished school and was getting ready to play a board game with the Monkey. Romeo was reading his literature. The Young Adult's online math class was in session.
What is a girl to do? I need to continue to clean my room (what am I? 13? Apparently!). There is laundry waiting to be done. The kitchen floor needs a good mopping.
These things will happen. Summer will come. In August, I will bemoan the change from relaxed days to carefully orchestrated battle plans.
For today, I will enjoy the time given and this gorgeous Texas spring day.