Thursday, August 15, 2013

My Birthday Wish

This is it. The big 4-0.

I would like to give myself one thing for my birthday - the ability to love myself, the way I am, flaws and all. And it is mainly flaws.
It is hard to be a mom and a wife and not feel all your flaws, every day, like irritating, biting gnats swarming around your self-consciousness every hour of every day.


It is kind of ironic, really. I am 40, fat, frumpy. All those things I never wanted to be. (Well, I would rather be 40 than never get there. But the other two things I could do without.)

I have never been a skinny girl. I have hated my body since I was 11 years old. I matured faster than all my friends. I hated being the only 5th grader with boobs! I hated the way my body looked and felt and moved. I have always thought I was fat.

Of course, now I realize I was not, and I would give anything to go back and be that size again.

About seven or eight years ago, I started gaining weight. Slowly. Every year some more. I had the Monkey in that time period and that added more pounds I have not been able to lose.And still I add the weight, a little at a time.
I had everything checked. My thyroid is good, my blood work is excellent. I know my hormones are off, and that is being treated for over a year, but it has not made a difference in my weight,.
And we are not talking 10 or 20 or even 30 pounds. 60 pounds in 8 years. It is a number that blows my mind. 
Since this weight gain started, say 8 years ago, I have:
  • run
  • walked
  • been a member of a gym and attended regularly
  • done Weight Watchers
  • done South Beach
  • done My Fitness Pal
  • regular use of a stationary bike
  • regular use of small hand weights (5 lb each)
  • 30 Day Shred
  • Insanity

Nothing helps. Sometimes I can get 10-15 pounds off, but it is only a matter of time before it creeps back on.  The worst was last year, when I did 30DS for 3 months along with very careful accounting with My Fitness Pal. At the end of the 3 months, I had lost 1, maybe 2, pounds.
That is it. All that work, for nothing. And no, my clothes did not fit better, my measurements were not any different.

I can understand the weight coming off slowly, but not . . . nothing.

I hate the way I look. I feel it in my body. I hate the way clothes fit me. I hate seeing my arms, my legs, and - oh my gosh - the belly that won't die since the Monkey came along.

My weight is with me all day, every day. Every morning when I dress, every evening when I put on pjs, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. When I -shudder - see a picture of myself.

It is torture, every day.

I will not give up. My eating habits have vastly changed. I exercise, regardless of weight loss, because I know it can only be doing me good. I try to ride 6-10 miles on my stationary bike, 6 days a week, while doing my hand weights. Some weeks I may only make it 4 days, some weeks 5, some 6.

I will not give up.

But still.

I know I need to come to some kind of peace with myself. I need to learn to love myself, regardless of how I look. I know this. I crave
I am just not sure how to get there.

It is my birthday wish for myself. To learn to love who I am, now, here, as I am.

Happy birthday to me!


maryann said...

You are BEE E Ute AFULL just the way you are! Now, repeat after me: "I am beautiful, just as I am"...repeat.....STOP LAUGHING, JUST SAY IT! Okay, again, repeat after me: "I am good enough, now, as is, just as I am" "My weight does not define me" "I am beautiful just as I am" "I take good care of my body and my body takes good care of me" "I am learning to accept my body as it is"..... Happy Birthday my OLD friend! LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!

La Gorda said...

You have always been beautiful inside and out! My birthday wish for you is that you come to see the you that the rest of us see--a loving, caring, beautiful, compassionate, strong and holy woman. 40 has been awesome so far for me, and I wish the same for you. I agree with Maryann--positively affirming your great qualities will drive that negative self-talk out of your head, and loving yourself will become much easier.

Love you friend!


Casey said...

I so understand this. My focus is less on how I look and more on other faults that I just cannot seem to change, but I still can sympathize. That's why I started my "Learning to Love Myself" blog series. Got to remember the good bits and not focus so much on the bad. Happy birthday, cousin! God bless!